1 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:31,590 - He's sort of... - It's ten to ten. 2 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,234 - Pardon? - It's ten to ten. 3 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:37,193 - I can't speak... Here he is. - Hiya. 4 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,356 - Nice jacket. - Whatever. 5 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,994 - Looks like mine. - What make's yours? 6 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:44,156 - Armani. - Expensive. 7 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:46,999 - And yours? - Sergio Georgini. 8 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:51,113 New shoes as well. Quite a heel on them. 9 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,514 - We still on for ten? - Yup. 10 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:05,917 People see me and see the suit, but they know I'm rock and roll through and through. 11 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:09,590 You know "live fast, die young"? Not my way. 12 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:15,272 Live fast, sure. Too bloody fast sometimes! But die young? Die old. 13 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:20,757 I'm not orthodox. I don't live by "the rules". 14 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:26,512 If there's one other person who's influenced me in that way of thinking - 15 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:33,034 someone who's a maverick, who does that to the system - it's lan Botham. 16 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:39,679 Beefy will happily say, "That's what I think of your selection policy. 17 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:43,668 "Yes, I've hit the odd copper, enjoyed the odd doobie. 18 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:48,396 "Piss off. I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics." 19 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:53,549 (NEIL) You been reorganising stuff out there? It looks a bit chaotic, that's all. 20 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:57,753 - We're assimilating. - Assimilating what? 21 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:02,192 - Just taking on people and putting them... - Into lots? 22 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:07,474 Yeah. Just categorising. Not in any sort of like "label me"... 23 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,116 But just, "That's your vibe. That's your vibe." 24 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,918 What's in here, then? 25 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:22,272 Oh, my God. A leather basque. Fantastic. 26 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:28,589 I've always wanted one of these actually. Cheers, guys. Let's try it on. 27 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,075 See if it fits. 28 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:39,710 You should try it on properly in case you have to take it back. 29 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:43,037 Try it on without that stuff underneath. 30 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,196 Happy birthday. 31 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:51,113 - Oh, my God! It's disgusting. - Even I'm shocked. 32 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:56,269 - You dirty mare! Does it work? - One size fits all. 33 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:01,235 Sorry. Can I just? Look at the face. Gareth, look at the face. 34 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,398 - I'm not touching that. - Why? Look. 35 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,070 - You don't know where that's been. - It's been in a box. 36 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,272 - In the factory. - Your amazing mind again. 37 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:15,758 In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers. 38 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,032 Thank you for my lovely presents. 39 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:24,995 They're malleable... and that's what I like, really. 40 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,954 I don't like people saying, "We do it this way." 41 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:36,111 I just want to go, "Do it this way... if you like. If you don't..." 42 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:41,314 Team playing. I call it "team individuality". It's a management style. 43 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,796 - Guilty. Unorthodox. Sue me. - It is. 44 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:49,869 But nothing ever changes by staying the same. 45 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,150 Quite literally. 46 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,636 - Hi, guys. - Hello. 47 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,799 You like that. Is that because it looks like yours? 48 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:08,599 Yeah. It's identical. Mine's not that size - it's very tiny - but it is made of plastic. 49 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,758 Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic. 50 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,308 I dare you to put it in Brent's office. 51 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,715 - Why? - As a dare. 52 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,879 - He's having a meeting with Neil. - That's the challenge. 53 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,958 - Why would I do it? - It would make me laugh. 54 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,912 - I'll do it. - I'll do it. 55 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:35,352 - Just hide it in there somewhere. - Just hide it? 56 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,996 - Yeah. - Simple. Couldn't be easier. 57 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,872 Straightforward. 58 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,556 - (KNOCKING) - Come in. 59 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,275 Sorry to interrupt. I just wondered if... 60 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:56,437 I've completely forgotten what I came in for. I'm sorry. 61 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,313 Come on, Tim. 62 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,557 - Get it back. - Too many late nights. 63 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:06,992 Sorry. It's totally gone. I'm holding your folder. Sorry. 64 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,715 It's gone. BSE. No more beef. 65 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:16,358 There's something you can do for me. My lot haven't been down to the warehouse. 66 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,233 - Would you mind taking them? - Not at all. 67 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:23,911 - There's not a lot to see. - Everyone should know everyone else. 68 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,076 Tell Glynn I said it's OK. 69 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:31,479 Tell Taffy that I said it was OK and Neil agrees with me. 70 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,955 - OK. - Thanks, Tim. 71 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:43,233 That was brilliant. Did you see it went under the folder? 72 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,195 - Gareth, out of ten? - Three. 73 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,351 - Three?! - Three?! 74 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:06,473 "You can't beat a bit of bully!" "Bullseye"! Here they are. Likely lads. 75 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,478 - Hi. - New shoes. 76 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,671 - Fashion. - Do you want a game? 77 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:16,317 Yeah. "Up to the oche. Let Tu-oni look after you." 78 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,594 "Two in a bed." 79 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,990 (CLATTER) 80 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:30,957 Shit flights on those. A bit fuddy-duddy, darts, for a couple of young lads. 81 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,118 - Not young. 29. - Over the hill. 82 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,278 How old would you say I was? 83 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,551 - 40? - No. How old do you think I look? 84 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,434 - 39. - Most people think I look 30. 85 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,632 - Definitely not. - You calling them liars? 86 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:53,789 - What do you think? - Well, between 30 and 40. 87 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,355 Yes. More honest. 88 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,949 (MOTOR WHIRRS) 89 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,798 OK. We're about to enter a warehouse environment. 90 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:19,791 Some of the people here will be working-class. There may be arse-cleavage, so... 91 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:24,391 Find a partner. Hold hands. Don't talk to anyone. 92 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,353 Are you cheering? OK. Let's go. 93 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,991 Here's the hub of the operation. Working hard as usual. 94 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,116 - All right? - The stripper's arrived. 95 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:52,679 - OK. You get five minutes, but no touching. - I always knew you were bent. 96 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,270 - She'll get 'em out for a tenner. - Fuck off. 97 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:03,236 - What? - Lend us a tenner! 98 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:07,194 - You won't see them tonight. - It's OK. I've got cable. 99 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:15,475 OK. I'll show you this aisle first. 100 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,272 Bender! 101 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,516 (THEY LAUGH) 102 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:27,833 No! Get lost, you cheeky bastard. 103 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,472 No! 104 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:46,589 David. This is Ray and Jude. Ray and Jude... Sorry. Forgotten where you're from. 105 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:51,237 - Cooper and Webb - consultants. - Who's Cooper and who's Webb? 106 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:54,637 - Neither of us. - I bet you get that all the time. 107 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,273 No. 108 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,675 Anyway... 109 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,953 First things first. Any more mail? 110 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,553 Mr D. Brent. That's me. 111 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,796 Come through. 112 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,108 Must just... 113 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,597 Shoot. 114 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,278 - Are you aware of what we do? - No. 115 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:08,032 Basically, we organise training days for corporations and individuals 116 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,198 who pay to get an advantage in business. 117 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,073 But it's not just boring facts. 118 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:19,798 We train them how to walk into a room and say, "You're doing business with me." 119 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:24,949 I'll stop you there. I don't need anything like that. I do my own training. 120 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,835 Sorry. No... We're not trying to get your business. 121 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,998 We'd like you to be one of our experts. 122 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,755 Good choice. Why did you dudes swing by here in the first place? 123 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:43,193 We'd heard good things about it. We got your name from Andy Hitchcock. 124 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:48,474 Oh, God. Cockle. Cocky. The Big Cock. 125 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:52,958 Next time you see him, ask him if he got the grass stains out - 126 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,196 not in front of his wife. 127 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,678 What sort of tip would you want me on? 128 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:08,237 We're looking for people who are dynamic, good communicators. 129 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:13,389 People who can communicate with young people - 20-somethings. 130 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:22,991 - You don't see heels like those much. - You can still find them. 131 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,634 - What sort of bunce is it? - Sorry? 132 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,399 - Well, to start with... - Bunsen burner. 133 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,759 Bunsen burner - nice little earner. Hence the... 134 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,992 Bunce. 135 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,556 To start we'd put you on about £300. 136 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:49,197 - £300 for an hour's work? - You'd only talk for 15 minutes. 137 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,358 15 minutes! That's... 138 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:59,079 That's £1,200 an hour pro rata. That's the sort of fee I'd be looking at. Yeah. 139 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,919 - When would you want to do it? - Soon. 140 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,959 Count me in. Thank you. 141 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:11,632 - We could make some dates now. - Absolutement. What's that? 142 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,910 - It's a dildo. - Is it yours? 143 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,635 - No! - No. I don't know... Sorry. 144 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:23,118 This is an example of problems. Let's have a look. 145 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:31,512 OK, everybody. What am I doing in there with a dildo? 146 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:36,714 She says it's not hers and I believe her, so whose is it? 147 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:42,715 Right. What's it doing in there? 148 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:47,391 It's a birthday present, but I don't know what it's doing in there. 149 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,478 OK. Good harmless fun. 150 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:55,390 Many happy returns, but what have we learnt from this? 151 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:02,437 - Not to leave your dildo lying around? - Don't let it out of your sight. 152 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:05,108 - (BUZZING) - Oh. What's that? 153 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,950 Just... 154 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,594 Sorry. How do you? 155 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:16,839 Oh, it's worse. What do you do when that happens? 156 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,396 Can you make sure that gets back to? 157 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:25,549 - Can we put some dates in? - Sure. We're in the middle of something. 158 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:44,755 You've got to smuggle this about your person. 159 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:50,318 - I'm not saying anything about... - If you want bravery, I'll do a dare. 160 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:53,478 - Bravery? - OK. 161 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:58,479 I'm going to write things for you to say. Come here. 162 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:02,753 Then I'll phone David and I want you to say them. 163 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:07,112 - No. You'll make me sound like a bender. - I swear I won't. 164 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:09,754 - No way. - It'll just be funny things. 165 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,110 I won't sound like a bender. 166 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,072 - Hello? - It's Gareth. 167 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:19,673 - I'm in a meeting at the moment. - Yeah. Just going to say a few things. 168 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,438 All right. 169 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,996 - You're doing a great job. - OK. 170 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:29,990 Just an employee saying what a superb job I'm doing. Is that it? 171 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,351 No. I like your little beard. 172 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,317 - OK. Is that it? - One more thing. 173 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,033 What? 174 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,997 You should wear tighter trousers. 175 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,714 - Can I call you back? - Yeah. Bye. 176 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,353 That was genius! Genius. Genius. 177 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,352 Brilliant. 178 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:15,394 Our website has profiles of our speakers. Can you answer a few questions? 179 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,556 - Go for it. - OK. 180 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:22,709 "If you could have lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" 181 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:31,119 Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama... and Rory Bremner. 182 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:35,950 Those two could get a bit heavy, and he'd lighten things up. 183 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,197 Do impressions of them... and me! 184 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,038 "What's your biggest disappointment?" 185 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,152 - Alton Towers. - Oh. 186 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,954 - I've never been. - It's rubbish. Next. 187 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,756 - Hello. - Hiya. 188 00:15:55,960 --> 00:16:01,796 - Still doing your practical jokes? - Yeah. I'm trying to do some work now. 189 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,991 - I've got some. - Have you? 190 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,156 - Yeah. - What you got? 191 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,476 Oh... 192 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,830 I used to do loads... What were they? 193 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,393 We can think of some. 194 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,114 - Absolutely. - Some new ones. 195 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,356 - Some good ones. - For? 196 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,439 What about Gareth? It's time he had some tricks played on him. 197 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,393 What would your motto be? 198 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:37,029 Some bosses are intimidated by training their staff up too well. 199 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:41,916 I don't mind it. I actually like my staff to be better than me. 200 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:46,750 That keeps me on my toes. So my motto would be... 201 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:52,956 Be careful because there's always somebody ready to step into your shoes 202 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:58,553 and do your job better... than... you... do it. 203 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,994 Heh heh. 204 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,760 I'm gluing the phone. 205 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:11,277 - In the name of fun. - He will hate you. 206 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,993 (ALL CHEER) 207 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,875 - What's in it? - What's this? 208 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:31,517 - It's a little birthday bash for Trudy. - Who organised this? 209 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,153 I did. 210 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,316 Bit over the top. 211 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,830 - How much did that cost? - I made it myself. 212 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,112 - Made it yourself? - Every year he does. 213 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,314 Bit sweet. Too rich. 214 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:51,354 - That's really nice. - His lemon drizzle cake's even better. 215 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,516 I prefer a flan. 216 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,516 Whoo! 217 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:03,192 It's a pleasure to watch you. She's a prude. 218 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,550 - No, she's not. - She is. 219 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,035 - Really? - She's very... 220 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:13,556 - Not 40? - It's true. Every time that does happen... 221 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:19,516 Are you in a meeting? I've just had an interesting meeting. 222 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,188 Those two are business people. 223 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:28,794 They've got a business and they arrange management training seminars 224 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:34,199 where they get expert speakers - John Harvey-Jones type figures. 225 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,153 They've asked me. So... Yeah. 226 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:42,309 Perfect for me, because not only do I have a natural authority with people, 227 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:45,273 but I'm an all-round entertainer, so... 228 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:50,114 Those qualities. Keep it under your hat. 229 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:54,552 See those two business people under there? 230 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,233 (PHONE RINGS) 231 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,392 - Is that you? - Yeah. 232 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,114 Could have had my eye out. 233 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,395 - Hello. Gareth Keenan. - Cock! 234 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:29,349 Thank you! Oh, glorious! Did you see that? He still picked it up. 235 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,994 - Was that you? - We glued it. 236 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:39,154 - Was that superglue? Oh, my God. - Yes. 237 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,794 It wouldn't take much time. 238 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,709 I appreciate your interest, but I'm just so busy. 239 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,469 - What are we talking about? - We want to involve this chap. 240 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:53,958 - You could have asked me. It's a bit rude. - We'd use both of you... 241 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,151 - I can do both. - I can't anyway. 242 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:59,079 - Can I have your card anyway? - No point. 243 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:03,956 - We might be able to persuade you. - If he goes back on it, he's weak. 244 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:09,559 - We ought to be going. - Yeah. Leave as agreed. 245 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:13,912 - We'll be in touch. - Nice to meet you. Bye. 246 00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:19,433 You're definitely not doing it? I thought you were trying to worm your way in. 247 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,757 - I'm not interested. - Why? Beneath you, is it? 248 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:27,078 No. I don't think you can teach people that sort of thing. 249 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:31,717 - Depends who the guru is. - Beware of false prophets! 250 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,435 That's my point. It's not all about profits. 251 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,428 - I meant prophets... - I meant, I meant. If only, if only. 252 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,916 If only me auntie had bollocks, she'd be me uncle. 253 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,356 Every time in one. 254 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:56,510 - OK. Top Trumps. Pop stars. - Pop stars? 255 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,995 - Do you know how to play? - Yeah. 256 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:05,036 I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason - I don't have one. 257 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:09,153 Which is good news for the ladies. I am still available. 258 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:15,117 I'm a heck of a catch. I mean, I live in Slough, in a lovely house... 259 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,519 with my parents. 260 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:23,350 I have my own room, which I've had since I was born. 261 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,120 That's seen a lot of action. 262 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,276 Mainly dusting. 263 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:34,350 I went to university for a year... before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter. 264 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,711 So, yeah, form an orderly queue, ladies. 265 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:39,876 Look at him. 266 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:45,234 I've been on safari and I've never seen anything like that. 267 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,796 I've got 94. I have got 94! 268 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,752 I do. 269 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,679 Well, I've been known to do that. 270 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,553 - Are you complaining? - No. 271 00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:01,709 Number of haircuts. Is that a valid thing? Are you getting mullered? 272 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,593 - Not really. - You've spilt some on your... 273 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:09,510 - I know. Shall we carry on with the game? - I wish you would. 274 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,915 Can I have? Stop that. 275 00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:16,272 If anyone wants to pay me that for 15 minutes work, they can... 276 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,438 (MOBILE RINGS) 277 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,358 Chris Finch. 278 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,916 Finchy! All right? Go on. 279 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,957 What's the difference between a fox and a dog? 280 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,639 About eight pints of lager! 281 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,479 It's party time here. You coming in? 282 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:39,116 - Why not? - I'm already here, you fat twat! 283 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:43,836 - Neil, my good friend, Chris Finch. - I know Chris. Nicks all my jokes. 284 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:48,113 I do not. I borrow them. Has that Lisa moved up here? 285 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,754 No. She's looking for a job. 286 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:54,236 - If it's a blow job, I'll help. - She's not desperate. 287 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,876 - I'll take her up the dole office! - Dole orifice! 288 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,469 - Rubbish. - I've got a vacancy she can fill! 289 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:04,355 That's better. His work. Don't try and... 290 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,630 - What are you like? - Another one. 291 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:12,549 Once a year, kid. Cheers, cheers. 292 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:36,719 If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me. I've got five sets. 293 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:40,071 Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks though. 294 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,748 - It's a game of chance. - It's not. 295 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:46,032 I'd know which cards you'd got by what I'd got. 296 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:49,198 I used to play it by myself with a dummy hand, 297 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:55,270 testing out which cards beat which other cards, for hours sometimes. 298 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:59,678 Three or four hours at a time, but the rewards are obvious. 299 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:06,119 I know exactly which cards you've got from what I've got, 300 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:10,108 so I would know exactly what feature to pick on my card 301 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:14,757 to defeat any card that you could have in your hand. 302 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,996 You will never win. 303 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,435 It'd still be fun, though. 304 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,791 - Do you know what they're paying me? - No. 305 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,958 Right. 15 minutes work, 300 quid. 306 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,913 - £1,200 an hour - You do the math. 307 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:35,556 - Yeah. It'd be £1,200 an hour. - That's the... 308 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,196 - Can I have a birthday kiss? - You certainly can. 309 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,073 - No tongues. - Oh. 310 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:51,188 Oh... That's good, isn't it? Didn't ask me out of respect. Knows I'd say no. 311 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:55,359 Didn't cross a boundary and that's... Good girl. 312 00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,232 Go on. 313 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,872 I do it from behind if I don't like their face. 314 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:10,154 - Cheeky bastard! You like my face? - I love your face. You're beautiful. 315 00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:13,716 - You can still do me from behind. - Ooh! 316 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:20,669 I'll do you from behind if it's a quick in and out, no strings attached. 317 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:25,556 That's really sweet. Why don't you put that in an email to me? 318 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,432 All right. 319 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:33,909 (SOFT DANCE MUSIC: "GROOVEJET" BY PLAYER) 320 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:46,590 Five kiss, seven kiss, eight kiss, more. 321 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,951 (MUSIC: "RED WINE" BY UB40) 322 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,637 - Birthday girl. Hello. - Hello. 323 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:02,355 - You all right? - Mmm. Great. 324 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,393 I'm just going to have a quick word. 325 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:10,196 I know it's your birthday and you're flirting with everyone. 326 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:15,076 - I know you wouldn't take it further... - I would! 327 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:19,239 - Why not? It's all equal. - I'm just having a laugh. 328 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:24,912 - I don't know what you're after. - A man! Hung like a shire horse! 329 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:28,237 Aren't they big magnificent animals? 330 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:32,228 - You say what you mean, don't you? - Mmm. 331 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:36,194 I'm just not sure you're going to find it in here. 332 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:39,710 - I'd ask you, but you're a bit old. - In my 30s. 333 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,956 Born in the '30s! 334 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:47,314 - I'm 30-something. I'm 30s. - But you've let yourself go a bit. 335 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:51,479 Me? How about you? You're an embarrassment, love. 336 00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:56,715 - Bull rags? - What? 337 00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:00,674 - I thought you said bull rags. - No. Raw eggs. 338 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:04,350 If you keep eating raw eggs, it makes you randy, 339 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:08,917 but it allows you to do as many reps as you want. 340 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:12,908 - How's the old car business? - All right. 341 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,475 - Who's this? - The Corrs. 342 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:19,832 - They've done some good tunes. - Didn't write that, though. 343 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,996 - Who did? - Don't you know? 344 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,555 - No. - Not into pop music? 345 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:29,709 - I prefer RandB. So who wrote that? - Fleetwood Mac. I prefer their version. 346 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:33,515 - I know who I'd rather wake up with! - Sexist. 347 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:38,589 - They can play my instrument! - You wouldn't pull the Corrs like that. 348 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:43,749 - Like you know! - Why are you laughing? I'm a dark horse. 349 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:48,954 - Like you could get anyone like the Corrs! - Just 'cause I don't kiss and tell... 350 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:53,790 - You don't kiss, there's nothing to tell. - He'd end up with the brother! 351 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:58,391 No. I'd push the brother out of the room, bend them all over, 352 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:03,674 do the drummer, the lead singer, and that one who plays violin. 353 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:17,274 See? Your fault. Putting filth in people's minds. 354 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:37,516 355 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:43,437 356 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:45,949 357 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:50,517 so you could buy 358 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,994 - My knees hurt. - Nearly done.